Okay, so it takes awhile for things to get settled in my head. Or, at the very least, for me to get to writing it down! But here I am, just after 7 o’clock, and I’m putting to words the ideas that are rolling around in my head.
I want to take the time, again, to thank all of you who have written to me about my “cry for help” post. Your suggestions have been much needed and it makes me realize that I should have spoken something sooner, before I got to that state. I suppose some lessons in life are not learned as quickly as they should be. Either that, or I’m very thick headed.
Even before I read some of the comments (which all had a common theme, by the way), I began to question why was it so important to me for Maacah to get her work done “on time”. I still haven’t come up with a very good reason, besides it just is. Maybe it’s because I know she can do, for she’s done it before. Maybe it’s because it would be easier for me, since I wouldn’t feel like our daily schedule is constantly interrupted. Or, perhaps better put, is that the things that I wanted to do during the day wouldn’t have to get rearranged because I don’t feel I can’t leave her alone (meaning: be outside while she is inside. I don’t mean completely leave her home alone!). Maybe it’s because I don’t want her to feel “lesser” in anyway when Grace gets her work done in half the time (or less!) than Maacah does. I don’t want her to feel stupid or not “as smart” as her sister because she works much slower than Grace does.
And then, maybe it’s all the above.
Either way, my pushing and prodding and getting all worked up about it really isn’t helping the situation. In fact, it’s probably making her feel even more unequal to her sister since her not finishing her work when she should be is constantly being brought up. You see, Grace is very much like me, so I relate to her in a much different way then I do with Maacah. And Maacah is very much like my sister, which I’m struggling to come to terms with. I love my sister very much and I pray for her daily. But my sister hasn’t had an “easy time” of it, many of it was of her own doing, and I’m fearful of Maacah going some of the same directions. I realize that Maacah is Maacah and not my sister, just as Grace is Grace and not me. We are different people, who live in different time/ways and so the mistakes of one are certainly not going to be the mistakes of the other. But the concern is still there. I am trying to walk, and sometimes find, that line between guiding her in the way she should go and letting her be her own person. I’m afraid, that because I see attributes of my sister in her, I’m harder on her then I should be due to my fear of my sisters chosen life (I realize that this reaction could very certainly send her in the direction I’m trying to steer her from, but I haven’t figured out how not to have that reaction). There are other things, but this is the most prevalent under currant for me.
Through much prayer, and talk with Adam, I am trying hard not to talk to her about “getting her work done in this time frame”. She needs to go at her own pace, within reason. She understands that if she needs to take all day to get her work done ( and by “all day” I mean from about 9:30am to 4:30pm, with one break and lunch. That is typically the hours that we are “doing school”), she can. She just won’t be able to go outside and play with her siblings, or to crafts when they do or any such activity. She still has the lessons each day to finish. The time frame in which she gets them done is up to her.
Adam mentioned that he thinks she loved first grade because 1. it was new and exciting and 2. she got one on one attention from me. So I am attempting to give her at least 15 minutes each day, during school because that works best, of one on one time. The negative attention that I have been giving her is not what she needs, even if she is getting attention.
I am also attempting to “wean” myself off the idea that I need to be within 10 feet of her while she is doing school. Not that I’m intending on staying away from her and not checking on her for the entire day. But I think it’s important that we both learn that she needs to be responsible for how she spends her time and it’s not good for me, or for her!, to come from behind and try to move her along at the pace I think she should be going at.
Is this working? Are these things the things she needs? I don’t know, for it only been this week and this week is not over yet. But I’m trying them. I want her to succeed in the paths and ways that the Lord has for her. I want her to love learning so that in each new thing the Lord has for her, she is willing. I’m not interested in her being smart according to this world, for the intelligence of this world leaves something greatly lacking. I want her to know that her mother loves her no matter what and that, even through all my blunders and mistakes (for there are many!!), I’m trying to guide her in the way the Lord want for her. In short, I want to do what’s best for her, as any parent would. Does any of this make sense?
So, that’s where we are. It is currently a few minutes before 8 o’clock. While I didn’t intend to be writing this for nearly an hour, I suppose it was needed for the words to be formed and composed. What is it about getting your ideas down in black and white that makes them a bit more real and a bit more understood? Is it any wonder that the “written form” was the chosen method of our Lord to communicate with us?