Except for a year or so between the ages of 11 and 13, I have always struggled with my weight. Even as a child, I suffered from teasing and the effects of being larger than my peers. For me, that’s just how life has been. When I became an adult, things didn’t change much. I’ve gotten a better idea of what I’m doing to my body, but my habits haven’t changed much. I weigh about 20 pounds more now, at 30 and with having 6 children, then I did at graduating high school. I don’t think that says much for either stage of my life. Nor of the time in between!
It is a game, though, isn’t it? Are you going to win or is the “weight”? Actually, in all honestly, it is “you” you are fighting against. Not the weight. For it was you who ate the ice cream, fried food, or whatever it was that caused that extra pound or two (or 20!). We are fighting against our sin nature, the part of us that is self-gratifying. We want it now and we certainly don’t want to say “no” to ourselves! Maybe we have cleaned all morning and we “deserve” this bowl of (fill in the blank)”. Or whatever your weakness is.
You see, I’m really an expert of this weight game. Well, I’m an expert of the losing side, that is! Sure, I’ve lost weight before, but it has always found it’s way back. I can’t even count the many “diets” I’ve tried, some with success and some with out. I’m a great yo-yo dieter, I guess. And while it’s nice to be great at something, I’m not convinced this is one of them!
As a family, we have listened to the tapes of Otto Koning*, the missionary to Papua New Guinea (back in the 50’s and 60’s, I think). Anyway, one of his many messages is about yielding your rights to God. It is a very powerful, and needful, message. Something I think every child of God should hear. As I was thinking on this message, it occurred to me that I have given up many of my rights to God in the past. This is the 1st time I’ve heard his message and each time I do hear it, I get something more out of it. This time was no different. I realized, as I’m going thinking through this weight struggle once again, that I have never given up my right to weigh less to God.
Now, before the arguments start it, let me explain. I want to be healthy for my children. I want to give them a good example to learn from. I want to be healthy for the next child (Lord willing there will be more!!). But really, you want to know what the root of my wanting to lose weight is? I want to be smaller in size.
I suppose that’s not a bad reason, in and of itself. But with that being the root at the reason for losing weight, I feel like it’s hindering me instead of helping me. I am striving for something that is not real gain. I have always wanted to be “thin”. To not be the heavy girl in the party. And even though I make my own clothes now and have a different idea of what modesty is than I did when I was younger, I still want to be thinner. I don’t want the “gramma arms”. I don’t want the rounded shoulders that I see in my profile. I don’t want the double chin. I would like to not appear 5 months pregnant…the list is endless. But as I was thinking upon yielding my rights to God, I realized that I need to yield my desire on how I look to Him.
I’m not sure I’m making any sense here. I’m not saying, “God made my fat and this is just how it will be. I am void of any responsibility.” God gave me this body and I need to take care of it to the best of my ability. I am responsible for the kinds of food I put into it and how much. I need to make it a point to exercise on purpose each day. And I need to surrender my desires to Him. He is my Lord and my body is His. Just as my life is His, to do with what He wills, so is my body. And that includes my weight. If He chooses to keep me this size for the rest of my life, so be it. I will still do my part to take care of His body. I am doing so because it’s for Him, not because it will make me smaller.
He is slowly changing my outlook on this. And I am finally able to be honest about what has been in my heart from the beginning. The Lord is good for the things He shows us! Even when they are painful.
* Here are MP3’s that you can hear of his messages. They are not all that are included in the Pineapple Stories tape set. Please, if you have an hour, go and listen to them. You can also download them to your iPod or MP3 player. They are well worth listening too! *
Jennifer